i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
