I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i now understand why vodka
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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