You're so nebulous sometimes
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
