Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
