I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
