Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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