took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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