You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
