how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
