U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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