Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
