If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
