I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
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