Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
