the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize