those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize