Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
