I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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