I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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