pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
