I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
