So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
