The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
