Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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