oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
