I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I need a beard to bite.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
