You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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