You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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