she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
