he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
