Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
