barbara walters just said penis...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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