I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
