Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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