He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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