I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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