I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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