Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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