True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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