I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
