What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
