she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
