He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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