Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
