if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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