Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
