Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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