I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Can I color on your dick again?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
