I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
