He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
