The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
