I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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