The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
