is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
