my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
