Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
