I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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