I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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