I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
