i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
