Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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