i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
