So drunk its hurt
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
